Navigating conversations with survivors: what to do and what to avoid
As a lived experience leader and survivor of forced marriage, I frequently receive messages filled with sympathy and apologies.
While these messages are often well-intentioned, they don’t always contribute positively to the conversation. They usually miss the mark and can even be counterproductive.
Understanding how to engage in meaningful dialogue about gender-based violence and forced marriage is crucial to foster support and drive societal change.
Here’s my tips to navigating these conversations more thoughtfully:
The dos
Offer genuine support
Survivors aren’t there to be your emotional outlet. Instead of focusing on your own feelings, beliefs, or apologies, ask how you can offer meaningful support. Whether it's providing resources, being a listening ear, or offering practical help, let the survivor guide you on how you can best help.
Listen actively and respectfully
Active listening is fundamental to supportive dialogue. Give the survivor your full attention and avoid interrupting or making assumptions about their feelings. Your aim should be to understand their experience, not to immediately jump in and offer your own perspectives, beliefs, or solutions.
Accept boundaries
Survivors have the right to set boundaries around what they’re comfortable discussing. If they choose not to delve into certain details or prefer not to talk at all, respect their wishes. It’s crucial to create a safe space where they feel in control of their own narrative. Avoid nagging or pressuring them into sharing more than they are willing to.
Acknowledge their strength
Recognise and validate the survivor’s courage and resilience. Acknowledging their strength and the challenges they’ve overcome is more empowering than expressing sympathy.
Prioritise education
Educate yourself about the diverse backgrounds and experiences of survivors. Understanding the complexities of forced marriage and gender-based violence will improve your ability to provide meaningful support.
The don’ts
Don’t generalise
Avoid generalisations or stereotypes related to religion, race, cultural practices, or gender. Address each issue in its own context to avoid misrepresenting or oversimplifying their experiences.
Statements like “not all men are the same” or “not all religions are the same” aren’t helpful. The conversation shouldn’t be used to validate or critique any identity, belief, or faith.
Avoid sympathy overload
Excessive sympathy and apologies can feel insincere. Instead of focusing on what you’re sorry for, think about how your words and actions can create a supportive environment.
Don’t make it all about you
Give the survivor space to share their experiences without imposing your own beliefs, judgments, or feelings. Focus on the survivor and their needs, rather than using their story to gain personal validation.
For example, don’t use the survivor’s experiences to defend or critique any identity, religion, or particular belief system. Your role is to listen and support, not to make the conversation about yourself.
Don’t minimise their experience
Avoid using silencing tactics or dismissing a survivor’s feelings. Acknowledge their experiences without invalidating or minimise their trauma.
It’s also important not to dismiss or minimise the experiences of survivors by attributing their trauma solely to religious or cultural beliefs. Forced marriage is a complex issue that should be addressed holistically, not attributed solely to religious or cultural factors.
Don’t give unsolicited advice
Offering solutions or advice without being asked can come across as presumptive, even arrogant. Instead, let the survivor express their needs and preferences before suggesting any actions or interventions.
Don’t expect instant recovery
Healing from trauma is a complex and ongoing process. Be patient and understand that recovery doesn’t happen overnight. Offer support without expecting immediate results or changes.
What is it you want to achieve?
Reflect on what you hope to accomplish through the dialogue. Are you aiming to provide comfort, offer practical support, or simply be present? Your self-awareness about your intentions will guide your conversations and ensure they are beneficial.
What to aim for
Effective dialogue with survivors should be rooted in respect and genuine support. It’s about providing a listening ear and acknowledging their journey without making it about your own reactions or beliefs.
Survivors, like anyone, deserve to be treated with dignity and empathy. Engaging in thoughtful and respectful conversation can foster a supportive environment and contribute to their ongoing journey toward healing.
Learn more
Universal Truth offers a training package called Diplomatic Dialogue, which facilitates compassionate and curious conversations. Delivered through workshops, it encourages open conversation based on compassion, curiosity, and evidence from lived experience. It encourages keeping an open mind about the impact on attitudes and stereotypes, and challenges assumptions around bias and race in a controlled, trusted space.
To get in touch with me email nyla@universal-truth.co.uk